Love Hurts

How do people become homeless? It’s not like in the movies, where the big, bad bank forecloses on someone’s house and forces them out. It’s not always the abused wife, with two small, hungry kids, all living in their car. It doesn’t have to be the drug user, hanging out in the alley, shooting up and mugging citizens to get by. All of these things DO happen, to be sure, but people find themselves homeless due to other reasons, too. I’ve seen it. Close up.

Bad decisions, mistakes, and illegal acts have repercussions in life. Those repercussions might be jail, lost jobs, loss of family support, and lost homes. When I say lost homes, that can translate into lost “places to stay” as well. When people continue to stack bad behaviors on top of illegal acts, and then compound it by repeating the same cycles over and over, their life becomes … unbalanced. When there is no balance in life, everything avalanches to the bottom of the hill. It piles up until it buries you. No one can escape the consequences of their actions. You can avoid them for a time, but they WILL catch up to you.

I have four grown children. The oldest is thirty five, the youngest twenty eight. Three boys and one girl. Two have college degrees and good, solid careers. Two do not. One lives eight hours away, one lives at home with me, one’s in jail (and homeless), and the other one is also homeless. I love all four of them. I used to think I’d do anything for them, but I was wrong. I’ve had to learn the hard way that there is a time to say “no more”, even to your own child. Especially when they’re adults. I never understood, until now, how a parent could allow their child to live on the street. Even as adults, they’re your children. A parent can’t help but see them as growing, young individuals, needing your help, your support, and your love. Our hearts filter out the bad, the wrong, and the illegal to be able to see the little ones we raised. We use excuses like “hanging out with the wrong crowd” and “they need time to find themselves” and even “they’ve got such a big heart, everyone takes advantage of them” when stupidity repeats itself over and over.

Yes, I used the “stupid” word. I won’t hide my own behavior behind alcoholism as being “a sickness”, or my own bad behavior under the title of “victim of circumstances”, so why would I continue to keep finding “reasons” for my children’s behavior? If you paint a turd yellow, it doesn’t make it gold. If I can take responsibility for my life, what’s to stop them from doing the same?

My daughter has been to more drug rehabs than I can remember. Literally. Since she was sixteen she’s had a problem with everything, including weed, alcohol and meth. It’s been a roller coaster decade for her as an addict. My son has been a weed user pretty much his entire adult life, along with being a heavy drinker, when he can get it. He doesn’t always see the connection between his addictions and his problems. They’ve both repeated the same exact mistakes over and over again over the past fifteen years. Jobs have been lost over and over and over. Relationships come and go on a sometimes daily basis. Pretty much all of them with toxic people with problems that equal, or exceed, their own. People pass through their lives like crowds at Grand Central Station and yet they somehow feel like each one is a long lost soulmate, closer to them than their family.

Drugs, alcohol, bad relationships and bad friends all combine to make the simple things in life very hard to maintain. Jobs are hard to keep when you’re hung over. They’re even harder to keep when you show up drunk. I know this from personal experience. It’s hard to keep a place to live when you don’t have a job and can’t pay the rent. I know this, also, from personal experience. It’s also hard to buy food, gas and cigarettes when you don’t have money. Money can be very hard to come by without a job. I know all of this sounds simple and silly. I shouldn’t have to point these things out to people in their late twenties and early thirties. It’s sad. Very sad.

There comes a time when adults have to be responsible for themselves. They have to figure out that parents won’t always be there to bail them out. Wrong behavior and actions result in suffering consequences. When do they quit being victims and stop making excuses for why they find themselves in the same horrible circumstances over and over? When?

I love all of my children. I’d sacrifice my life for all of them. I won’t be a part of the destructive cycle they’ve set up for themselves any longer, however. I thought I’d always be there for them, always be able to help them in some way, no matter the circumstances. From birth, through adolescence, and all the way through high school and college, this was the case. I hope I was there for them. After the past ten years of providing a “safe place” for rest and recovery after bad decisions destroy their worlds little by little, I find that I am no longer willing to do the same old trick. If the results are always the same, and my “help” doesn’t help, why continue? To what end?

Love hurts. Saying “no” hurts worse than saying “yes”. I’ve turned away two people that I brought into this world, raised, and loved. All because they can’t find a way to learn the simplest lessons in life. I know that points to my own shortcomings as a parent. I accept that. I won’t allow it to be my excuse for making the same mistakes over and over myself. Call it tough love. Call it refusing to be an enabler. Call it allowing them to really sink or swim. Call it by anything you want, but I call it loving your child. A good parent has to be ready to let their adult child succeed or fail on their own. Success may be just a normal, productive life. Failure could mean death. At some point in a parents life, they have to recognize that success or failure isn’t up to them any longer. It’s up to the child when they’ve grown to adulthood. It’s up to them to learn the lessons, ultimately.

Life is hard. It’s harder when you’re stupid.

Love hurts. Rant over. Thanks for listening, Dear Reader.

K.S.

Author: Kevin Stone

Kevin Stone aspires to write stories that you will enjoy. I hope to tell tales of the Stone Family that all generations may to come may read. I'll also write stories of all kinds, true and fiction, just for you to enjoy. View all posts by Kevin Stone