Echoes

It was a Friday then, too. The worst Friday of my life, and the last one of hers. We had been married almost twenty years. We had four great kids. We had loved each other and had planned to be together til we grew old and died. That Friday put a stop to that. A bullet by her own hand put an end to her life. Her perceptions were warped. Her emotions were running amok. Her reason and sanity had departed. She was manic-depressive bipolar. Ten years of trying to find ways to deal with it through medication, counselling, will power and spirituality ended with a few pounds of pressure on a trigger. What made her end it? What was the last straw? Her thoughts in her final moments will forever be hers alone. I don’t get to know why. There really is no why.

I believe in what we do. What we say is important, but only if it narrates what we do. What we think is important, but only if it drives what we do. What we feel is important, but only because it fuels what we do. Our actions always mean something. They always affect our lives, and the lives around us. What we do in life echoes in eternity. Yes, I quoted Maximus in Gladiator. The writer got it from the writings of Marcus Aurelius, who said ” What we do now echoes in eternity” in his book, Meditations. It’s a good quote. It’s true.

What about when our actions are irrational, uncharacteristic, and self-destructive? They have as much of an affect on our lives as the rational acts. Their echoes are just as real. The world around us hears them, feels them, as vividly as the rest. The nature of a psychological imbalance is that a seed of rational thought can grow into irrationality quickly. After it’s metamorphasis, there is no rational. There is no logical. There is no why.

I blamed myself for years. The small, grainy irritation of a notion still manages to itch my mind, heart and soul on occassion. I was imperfect. I was stupid. I was a drunk. I said horrible things. I was a horrible father. My actions made horrible echoes. I’m guilty of quite a lot. After many years, however, I came to understand that her death wasn’t my fault. I’m far from blameless, but I didn’t pull the trigger. That’s a load I’ll not carry, because it doesn’t belong to me. It belongs to her. It was her action, driven by an irrational mind, fueled by a chemical fire of emotion, narrated by silence, that echoed into eternity. We hear it still today. We carry it heavily in our hearts and minds as we search the four winds for a reason. We search for a reason in an unreasonable act. There is no why.

If all of our bad actions echo in eternity, then so must our good ones. All the good that we do should not be overshadowed by the bad. Her love for everyone should be in the light. She NEVER met a stranger, and never turned down someone in need. It didn’t matter if it was a mother-less baby bird, a shy child, a lonely old person, a friend who needed an ear to listen, and a shoulder to cry on, or someone who needed her last tear, smile, dollar, piece of advice or prayer. She gave it freely. She was the most unabashed, unashamed and least quiet person I have ever, or since, met.Her children inherited those traits. It took me longer to learn them, since I wasn’t born with them. We were nothing alike. I fought them. I wasn’t like her. I’d like to think that some of those traits rubbed off on me. She gave me that, and so much more. I’m grateful for all of it. I wouldn’t have missed any of it, and that’s the truth.

In closing, I should tell you that this little essay was just for me. It’s been seventeen years now since she left. We are still here. I am still here. The End of The World may well be nigh, but it ain’t today. The Rapture could be any minute now, but it ain’t happened yet. Lord Jesus WILL come, but He ain’t here yet. An irrational mind will see the terrors and troubles of this world and rip it’s clothes, and cry out for the end to take them. The whole reason we are on this earth is to do just the opposite. Be kind to the unkind. Be loving to the unlovable. Speak truth to the liar. Give to the poor. Visit the prisoner. Care for the elderly. Do what is right, especially when no one is looking.Our faith needs legs, hands and smiles. Because what you do in life, echoes in eternity. That’s why.

Good Night

K.S.